October 17, 2008
Staring at the dirt. Grasping desperately at anything. Terrified to slow down and stop, terrified to let go. But too tired to keep on running.
This is where I am and where I have been lately.
I went and saw Tenth Avenue North, Sanctus Real, and VOTA tonight. God’s remarkable, isn’t He? He never does anything the same way twice, seems like. I mean, He uses Tenth Avenue North always to point me to Him, to break me, convict me, love me, speak truth to my soul, and to pour grace out on me. He’s used them to change my life, for sure. This time, He used them to send me utterly to my knees—no, to floor, face down in the carpet, arms spread out wide, sobbing.
You see, I have been staring at the dirt. I have been staring at the things of this earth for so long, mere reflections of a God more beautiful than we can imagine. He’s been tearing down my walls, taking a wrecking ball to the hurtful things in my life. And in the midst of that, I have been grabbing things and shoving them into this gaping whole that He has exposed, desperate to fill the vacuum. I have been running, so scared to slow down and stop, to be still and let myself be…exposed, naked, unprotected by my desperate walls before Him. I’ve been terrified to cease striving and wait—not ‘do,’ but wait, in the stillness, in the silence for a God who may or may not choose to speak. I mean, He’s God. He speaks when He wants to. And in so doing, I have not allowed Him the space to love me, to show me Himself, to know Him. I’ve been running in terror of letting go, but I’ve been soooo tired and weary…because I was never meant to run like this. I was never meant to just merely survive in this life, in this world, I was never meant to carry this weight and this load all on my own. Running is killing me. I’ve been staring at the dirt for so long that I’ve become afraid to look to Heaven, afraid that who I see there won’t be as loving, as satisfying as the things I see. The habit has made me forget the love that I’ve known, deep, full, unending, faithful, and real. And since when have I ever been satisfied by anything but Jesus?? Never. Nothing here has ever been enough. Only Jesus.
I have been fighting, kicking, wrestling, running instead of facing Him when He has been telling me to come to Him, to let Him deal with all my stuff. But how can I run when His love has bound me to Him and He’s never letting go? Hallelujah for that. He’ll never let me go…There’s a bond between us that shall not be broken. I can only fight for so long. And then His love pulls me in…
I was hesitant, I was stubborn, I was resistant when I felt Him drawing me at the concert. But I knew it was time to hit the floor. I mean it was Tenth Avenue North. You have to stop your ears and super harden your heart to not hear the truth He speaks through them, to not feel His beckoning touch.
It started as soon as I got in the car to drive home—weeping, brokenness. There are so many things that I don’t understand, so many things that plague me, so much confusion and turmoil, but the one thing I really firmly knew to do tonight was to lay out on that carpet and call His name. The only way I know how to seek Him is on my knees or on my face, listening for Him, letting Him in. All that I want and need is Him. There was and there is no where else for me to go but that carpeted floor before Him. And I know He was there, there through the tears.
It’s time to stop shoving all this crap into that vacuum and leave it open for Him to fill, to step into. It’s time to stop running, cease striving, stop having to do something and to just be His beloved, His child, the one He died for. It’s time to just belong to Him and know Him and to let that be enough. It’s time to open up to Him and let Him be the one to love and to comfort, to protect and satisfy me.
On the practical side of things, in order for me to do this, I’ve got to cut way down on the Facebook action. I don’t know about you, but when I am running from Jesus, this is one place I tend to go. You may have noticed that I’ve been on here a whole lot lately. Well, that is one thing that’s changing now. You can hold me to that, though I don’t necessarily have a specific Facebook allowance in mind.
I love you guys and I hope that you are challenged to stop and see what you’re missing in all your strivings. Come, see the one thing you can’t earn by all your work. What you and I work for doesn’t satisfy us in the least. Come, rest in Jesus’ loving arms, and find that He satisfies you with Himself.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
to the blind, the crippled, the lame...
September 29, 2008
ARGH! I hate my knee! I take that back. I don't hate my knee or what caused the pain in my knee (a mountain bike, a wily downhill trail, a rock, and my amateur status). I hate the pain itself in my knee (or knie for the German literate). I hate how it burns and incapacitates [to a slight degree]. That is what I hate.
There are periods of time in which it gets better and seems fine. And then, quite inexplicably, it aches and throbs, along with that old shin bone. I barely moved it this morning when the smoldering in it began again. You may well wonder, why is my knie still hurting two months after I injured it that day when Laura didn't quite conquer the mountain? I myself did wonder, and so sought out my sister, the physical therapist, who assured me that it wasn't seriously injured (I figured not) and just needed time to heal. After all, I did bruise the bones pretty thoroughly (seriously some of you saw the massive swelling and the lovely color of my knee).
I heard somewhere that it's a good sign when you start seeing Jesus in everything. I don't know if I can say that I see Him in everything, but I certainly see Him in a lot of things. And so, as I was complaining to myself and Jesus this morning, griping about my knee, it reminded me of Jesus and spiritual things.
We all have these old injuries - yes, friends, all of us. You and I are the walking wounded, the blind, the crippled, the lame. Our wounds, like my knee, don't always give us pain. We walk around with ease, willing and able to go on our merry ways. But we are crushed, we crumble, we crumple in pain when someone or something reaches out and pushes on that old bruise. Or maybe we make a mistake, a misstep, a wrong move, maybe we clumsily bump into something, and a painful burning erupts that leaves us gasping on the floor. Or maybe we are yet flattened, clothes-lined by something inexplicable. We were walking fine, when suddenly for a reason we can't explain, it's just so hard to go on.
sharp intakes of breath...all you can feel, all you can see, all you can hear is the pain...like bright lights and discordant sounds in a dark and empty room...the cold hard floor against your back...the sky above you...your arms wrapped around "the fatal cut"...
beloved, do you know the heart of God? And when I say 'know,' I don't just mean that you know it in your head, just a fact. I use mean the word that God uses in Hosea 2:20 when He says that you will "know the Lord." It's the same word in the expression "Adam knew his wife." It's experiential. It's close. It's complete in it's extent. It's full of intimacy. beloved, do you know the heart of God? do you believe His heart?
Maybe you don't know His heart. Maybe you've heard that He came to rescue us, but have never seen that it your own life, never fully understood what that meant.
Do you know what Jesus said as sort of a mission statement? He read from Isaiah 61: "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners; To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD." mm, His mission on earth was not just to get us to heaven with Him, amazing as that is. He went even further than that. The heart of our God is for the afflicted, those in pain, for those whose hearts have been torn up, spit on, beaten, broken, and crushed, for those held captive, prisoners of their addictions, their sins, or those of others. The heart of our God is to heal us, to free us, to give us "life more abundantly."
God doesn't say to the weeping, "Shut up, buck up, toughen up, and be better! Don't be weak!" No. Never. Jesus wept with the brokenhearted in Bethany (John 11). He didn't weep because He was sad at the loss of a friend. That's not what the scripture says. "When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled" Jesus? Troubled?? By what? The grief of the people around Him. They were in pain. And because of that, so was He. And "Jesus wept" for their pain. He knew that in like 5 minutes He was going to change their grief to joy by bringing their brother and friend back to life, but that didn't change the fact that they were in pain...now. Though it would soon be gone, Jesus cared about that pain...He cares about your pain...
"Surely our griefs He Himself bore, and our sorrows He carried" Isaiah 53:3
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18
"For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; Nor has He hidden His face from him; But when he cried to Him for help, He heard." Psalm 22:24
beloved, He came to earth and felt our pain, when He didn't have to.We cry and He hears.
How does that hit you?
I confess that I don't always believe that He is as good, as gentle, as loving, as tender, or as kind as I've known Him to be in my head and my heart. The pain gets in and tells me He won't come, He doesn't care, He's disappointed, He won't rescue. Yeah, I know that pain...It's time to ask Him to come into it, to enter it, to touch it (a painful thought), to heal it. He's a God of tenderhearted mercy and everlasting lovingkindness. He desires to heal and to free. He wants us to know His love that surpasses all understanding. He wants us to know that we are loved and that we matter...to Him.
Lord, come. Bind up the brokenhearted...
Trust in Him at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.
-Psalm 62:8
Check out this powerful Nooma video on a similar theme - "Rain":http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9udYp7UOP8A
"Valley Song" by Jars of Clay
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face
But I fear You aren't
there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Yeah
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
MercyYour mercy
The Sheer Genius of Lia and Laura
September 24, 2008
My cousin Lia and I sat down together last year with a rather large dictionary. Yes, a dictionary. And in the back of this dictionary were lists of words that rhymed with one another. So naturally we decided it was time to combine our sheer genius to produce works of the highest literary merit. And yes, that's right, we succeeded...
Pandemonium in the Gymnasium
by Laura Stogner & Lia Kohl
There was such pandemonium
Inside the small gymnasium
For little Joe the stumblebum
Was being over frolicsome
Endangering the aquarium
By banging on the kettledrum
And big fat Fred was quarrelsome
He hit Joe on the cranium
With a barrel of petroleum
And he did shout “fee-fi-fo-fum!”
And funny Liz did call Fred scum
And his big thumb she did benumb
Joe wobbled in delirium
And Freddy sucked upon his thumb
Which throbbed for a millennium
They need a new curriculum
To bring about some tedium
Ode to Eisenhower
by Lia Kohl & Laura Stogner
As I was walking toward my bower
I spied a single ugly flower
And at the flower I did glower
For it did make me feel so sour
I wandered home with much horsepower
I wanted much to take a shower
The heinous smell did overpower
Smelling something like cauliflower
Which I am loath to devour
My nose and toes I did so scour
My self-esteem if did empower
I did not feel so very dower
So I sand a song of Eisenhower,
A pretty maiden in a tower,
And fancied myself a sunflower
I hope that you have enjoyed this look into literature's next great minds.[And I hope you laughed as much as we did while writing them.]
My cousin Lia and I sat down together last year with a rather large dictionary. Yes, a dictionary. And in the back of this dictionary were lists of words that rhymed with one another. So naturally we decided it was time to combine our sheer genius to produce works of the highest literary merit. And yes, that's right, we succeeded...
Pandemonium in the Gymnasium
by Laura Stogner & Lia Kohl
There was such pandemonium
Inside the small gymnasium
For little Joe the stumblebum
Was being over frolicsome
Endangering the aquarium
By banging on the kettledrum
And big fat Fred was quarrelsome
He hit Joe on the cranium
With a barrel of petroleum
And he did shout “fee-fi-fo-fum!”
And funny Liz did call Fred scum
And his big thumb she did benumb
Joe wobbled in delirium
And Freddy sucked upon his thumb
Which throbbed for a millennium
They need a new curriculum
To bring about some tedium
Ode to Eisenhower
by Lia Kohl & Laura Stogner
As I was walking toward my bower
I spied a single ugly flower
And at the flower I did glower
For it did make me feel so sour
I wandered home with much horsepower
I wanted much to take a shower
The heinous smell did overpower
Smelling something like cauliflower
Which I am loath to devour
My nose and toes I did so scour
My self-esteem if did empower
I did not feel so very dower
So I sand a song of Eisenhower,
A pretty maiden in a tower,
And fancied myself a sunflower
I hope that you have enjoyed this look into literature's next great minds.[And I hope you laughed as much as we did while writing them.]
Desperation
September 22, 2008
“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
-C. S. Lewis
Ah, Mr. Lewis always has a way of putting things that twists my brain around a bit to see from a new direction. Our desires are too weak and we are far too easily pleased…What is it then that our desires are too weak to grasp at? What is it that we are missing when we settle for being pleased with too little? Take a look at this song, written on a similar theme:
“I Miss You” by Shane & Shane
Put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine
it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
Let’s talk about that first verse, a call to lay down our cheap imitations and take up something better…something infinitely better. We’ve gotten so used to looking down at the dirt that we don’t even remember what the sky looks like, that deep blue expanse of heaven. Jesus is so much better than the things we grasp at. This song is a desperate longing to be as close as possible to Him, to taste Him, to touch Him, to know Him completely, to ever be with Him. It’s a dissatisfaction with merely knowing part of Him. I love the line “ironically dissatisfied.” Doesn’t that just capture it? There is no doubt that Jesus is all-satisfying when He comes into your life and into your very being like water to a man dying of thirst. And yet, in the midst of being so satisfied in Him, there comes a hunger to know Him more. He expands our hearts to reach for more of Him, to be filled with more.
When was the last time we felt desperation to know Him more? Isn’t this the big difference between what we have with Jesus, this deeply intimate relationship, and every religious system, philosophy, and self-help technique? The difference is Jesus Himself. While the most of the rest of man kind is reaching for God, God Himself has stepped into our world and they don’t see Him, they don’t know Him. Yet here He is, inside every believer. We know Him. But will we settle there? Or will we continually follow His beckoning call to know more of all that He is, to taste more, to drink more deeply from His heart?
Lord, give us desperate hearts.
I read a verse recently that kind of rocked me: “Whom have I in heaven but You, and besides You, I desire nothing on earth” (Psalm 73:25)…Really? Nothing?? I read it and my mind tried to rationalize, to find a loophole. “Well, maybe he didn’t really mean nothing. Maybe it was just a figure of speech, a hyperbole. Yeah, that’s it, a hyperbole…” But if I really believe that these words are God-breathed, inspired by God, written through a person, then I have to take into consideration that this “nothing” really means what it says…nothing. That is a radical thought. Run through your mind all the things that you desire right now…God might be on the list, but that’s just it. For the normal person, it’s a list. But to desire nothing, but Jesus…I do believe that we have God given desires, don’t get me wrong. But when you can truthfully say that all you want is Jesus and that everything else is just peripheral, my friend, I think that you’ll have come to a more truthful picture of this God of ours…because when you, a believer, see who He is, you must be drawn to love Him.
He is so good and compassionate. He cares about and gives attention to the outcast, the downtrodden, the brokenhearted, the orphan, the stranger, the weak, the failures, the lonely, the ‘insignificant’, the lowly, the ‘unimportant,’ the unpresentable – all of us, if we care to admit it. He lifts the burdens from the shoulders of those who’ll let Him. He heals the wounded, cares for the needy. He is love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. He is humble though exalted. He is strong, selfless, forgiving, long-suffering, and faithful. He never fails. He is glorious, majestic, just, righteous, pure, sinless, and holy. He is the King above everything and the center of the universe. He holds everything together and everything was made by Him and for Him. He shook heaven and earth to save us and He has. He is the victorious warrior, the tender lover, the loving father, the Prince of Peace, the great I AM. In Him and from Him is everything we need.
May we put down the small things we’re so entangled in to reach for Him, though He is not far from any of us. May we miss Him so. May we be desperate for Him. He is worthy of our desperation.
“Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”
-C. S. Lewis
Ah, Mr. Lewis always has a way of putting things that twists my brain around a bit to see from a new direction. Our desires are too weak and we are far too easily pleased…What is it then that our desires are too weak to grasp at? What is it that we are missing when we settle for being pleased with too little? Take a look at this song, written on a similar theme:
“I Miss You” by Shane & Shane
Put down your paper plate
come to the table made
deep blue china
found on the table by the wine
so fine
it brings out flavor
like You bring out color in life
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
unfortunately high
ironically dissatisfied
i miss You
i miss You
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
i had a fleeting thought this morning
and i mentioned you today
it breaks my heart just to know You in part
and not to be with You where You are
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
it hurts to remember
oh, i miss You so
the feel of forever
oh, that taste i know
Let’s talk about that first verse, a call to lay down our cheap imitations and take up something better…something infinitely better. We’ve gotten so used to looking down at the dirt that we don’t even remember what the sky looks like, that deep blue expanse of heaven. Jesus is so much better than the things we grasp at. This song is a desperate longing to be as close as possible to Him, to taste Him, to touch Him, to know Him completely, to ever be with Him. It’s a dissatisfaction with merely knowing part of Him. I love the line “ironically dissatisfied.” Doesn’t that just capture it? There is no doubt that Jesus is all-satisfying when He comes into your life and into your very being like water to a man dying of thirst. And yet, in the midst of being so satisfied in Him, there comes a hunger to know Him more. He expands our hearts to reach for more of Him, to be filled with more.
When was the last time we felt desperation to know Him more? Isn’t this the big difference between what we have with Jesus, this deeply intimate relationship, and every religious system, philosophy, and self-help technique? The difference is Jesus Himself. While the most of the rest of man kind is reaching for God, God Himself has stepped into our world and they don’t see Him, they don’t know Him. Yet here He is, inside every believer. We know Him. But will we settle there? Or will we continually follow His beckoning call to know more of all that He is, to taste more, to drink more deeply from His heart?
Lord, give us desperate hearts.
I read a verse recently that kind of rocked me: “Whom have I in heaven but You, and besides You, I desire nothing on earth” (Psalm 73:25)…Really? Nothing?? I read it and my mind tried to rationalize, to find a loophole. “Well, maybe he didn’t really mean nothing. Maybe it was just a figure of speech, a hyperbole. Yeah, that’s it, a hyperbole…” But if I really believe that these words are God-breathed, inspired by God, written through a person, then I have to take into consideration that this “nothing” really means what it says…nothing. That is a radical thought. Run through your mind all the things that you desire right now…God might be on the list, but that’s just it. For the normal person, it’s a list. But to desire nothing, but Jesus…I do believe that we have God given desires, don’t get me wrong. But when you can truthfully say that all you want is Jesus and that everything else is just peripheral, my friend, I think that you’ll have come to a more truthful picture of this God of ours…because when you, a believer, see who He is, you must be drawn to love Him.
He is so good and compassionate. He cares about and gives attention to the outcast, the downtrodden, the brokenhearted, the orphan, the stranger, the weak, the failures, the lonely, the ‘insignificant’, the lowly, the ‘unimportant,’ the unpresentable – all of us, if we care to admit it. He lifts the burdens from the shoulders of those who’ll let Him. He heals the wounded, cares for the needy. He is love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, and self-control. He is humble though exalted. He is strong, selfless, forgiving, long-suffering, and faithful. He never fails. He is glorious, majestic, just, righteous, pure, sinless, and holy. He is the King above everything and the center of the universe. He holds everything together and everything was made by Him and for Him. He shook heaven and earth to save us and He has. He is the victorious warrior, the tender lover, the loving father, the Prince of Peace, the great I AM. In Him and from Him is everything we need.
May we put down the small things we’re so entangled in to reach for Him, though He is not far from any of us. May we miss Him so. May we be desperate for Him. He is worthy of our desperation.
Cleaning House
September 20, 2008
I sit perched on the edge of disaster, literally. Not long ago, my room in my grandparents’ house appeared rather orderly. Now, it appears as if a bomb exploded. And I am sitting on the very edge of a full-sized bed covered in books, papers, bank statements, Greek flashcards, notebooks colored pencils, cards, CDs, post-it notes, a travel mug, a flashlight, piano music, a first aid kit, etc. I’m surrounded by piles: to be stored at home-home (a.k.a. where the parental units dwell), to be thrown away (there are a few of these piles), to be reorganized and kept here…It’s not pretty, not one little bit. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about sleep. I mean it’s nearly midnight and my bed’s covered in crap. Clearly this mess isn’t going to be gotten cleaned up in the next hour, so I suppose I’ll have to pile stuff on the ground more and on the dresser.
No, I am not a freakishly messy person who regularly, within days, makes her room look like a HAZMAT team needs to sweep the area. The reason it’s a disaster zone is that I have had five boxes in this room, FIVE, of random stuff that may or may not be worth keeping. Why five boxes? Well, for one, I tend to be over prepared. For another, I’ve developed the hideous habit of not sorting through things. When I first moved in, I brought at least one box solely of papers, papers, and more papers that I knew needed sorting. I knew there were things in there of use and worth treasuring – notes on the Bible, meaningful cards carefully wrought by friends and family – and I also knew that most of it should just be thrown away. So, I brought that box with me with every intention to go through it right away. That was two years ago. That box has multiplied like an amoeba (as in asexually…it made sense to me at least since it was just one box). Before I left for summer I shoved odds and ends into more boxes, knowing that soon something had to be done.
I moved back in for good this week and I have been staring at those boxes piled in a corner. They’ve been driving me crazy. Stuff shoved out of sight is supposed to be out of mind. I put that crap in boxes to keep it out of the way, for convenience. But I couldn’t take it anymore! They were taking up space and all that disorder within them weighed on my mind.
Believe me, I didn’t want to, more than anything I didn’t want to open those boxes and finally, finally, once and for all clean house. My heart felt overwhelmed and sickened at the thought. But I could no longer live with it. So I opened a box, and another box…
And you know what’s the scary part is? I’m not even half-way done. Tomorrow, the saga must continue or else I shall be living in the absolute squalor of this chaos. It will continue. It has to continue.
I’ve said in the past that the state of my room – it’s cleanliness and organization or serious lack thereof – reflects my spiritual state and the state of my heart and mind. Well, this kind of epitomizes all of that: sitting on the edge of disaster. It’s time to clean house, to open up all the boxes of things that I’ve shoved away, that I didn’t want to deal with, that I feared to deal with, afraid that if I opened up the crap and it exploded outward into chaos, I would live in it, unable to put myself back together again…
I’ve started opening up those boxes and there’s no going back. It’s either live in the misery of disaster and rubble, or sit with Jesus in my room and take each thing, one-by-one, bit by bit, and see, where does this fit? It’s time to get rid of the things that have always weighed my heart down and crowded things out. It’s time to open up this space and let my suffocating spirit breathe. It’s time to invite Jesus into the disaster, cause I can’t clean this up on my own. He has to sort it out, clean it up. If I tried, I’d end up on my knees, on the floor, weeping in disrepair, never to stand. Oh, I know I’m often down there, but the difference is that He’s right there with me, with tearstained eyes, a hand that lifts up my face, arms that embrace me, eyes that see beyond the disaster – without disregarding it – to see beauty in the broken.
I’m down there, in desperate weeping amidst the chaos, calling out His name like a life-preserver, hearing faintly the sound of His breathing, so soothing, and the beat of His heart…I am with you. I love you.
Take deep breaths, in and out…in and out…Jesus, stay with my heart, stay beside me…
“God is enough.
God is enough.
He is good.
He will take care of us.
He will satisfy us.
He will get us through this…”
-John Piper-YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=related
I sit perched on the edge of disaster, literally. Not long ago, my room in my grandparents’ house appeared rather orderly. Now, it appears as if a bomb exploded. And I am sitting on the very edge of a full-sized bed covered in books, papers, bank statements, Greek flashcards, notebooks colored pencils, cards, CDs, post-it notes, a travel mug, a flashlight, piano music, a first aid kit, etc. I’m surrounded by piles: to be stored at home-home (a.k.a. where the parental units dwell), to be thrown away (there are a few of these piles), to be reorganized and kept here…It’s not pretty, not one little bit. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about sleep. I mean it’s nearly midnight and my bed’s covered in crap. Clearly this mess isn’t going to be gotten cleaned up in the next hour, so I suppose I’ll have to pile stuff on the ground more and on the dresser.
No, I am not a freakishly messy person who regularly, within days, makes her room look like a HAZMAT team needs to sweep the area. The reason it’s a disaster zone is that I have had five boxes in this room, FIVE, of random stuff that may or may not be worth keeping. Why five boxes? Well, for one, I tend to be over prepared. For another, I’ve developed the hideous habit of not sorting through things. When I first moved in, I brought at least one box solely of papers, papers, and more papers that I knew needed sorting. I knew there were things in there of use and worth treasuring – notes on the Bible, meaningful cards carefully wrought by friends and family – and I also knew that most of it should just be thrown away. So, I brought that box with me with every intention to go through it right away. That was two years ago. That box has multiplied like an amoeba (as in asexually…it made sense to me at least since it was just one box). Before I left for summer I shoved odds and ends into more boxes, knowing that soon something had to be done.
I moved back in for good this week and I have been staring at those boxes piled in a corner. They’ve been driving me crazy. Stuff shoved out of sight is supposed to be out of mind. I put that crap in boxes to keep it out of the way, for convenience. But I couldn’t take it anymore! They were taking up space and all that disorder within them weighed on my mind.
Believe me, I didn’t want to, more than anything I didn’t want to open those boxes and finally, finally, once and for all clean house. My heart felt overwhelmed and sickened at the thought. But I could no longer live with it. So I opened a box, and another box…
And you know what’s the scary part is? I’m not even half-way done. Tomorrow, the saga must continue or else I shall be living in the absolute squalor of this chaos. It will continue. It has to continue.
I’ve said in the past that the state of my room – it’s cleanliness and organization or serious lack thereof – reflects my spiritual state and the state of my heart and mind. Well, this kind of epitomizes all of that: sitting on the edge of disaster. It’s time to clean house, to open up all the boxes of things that I’ve shoved away, that I didn’t want to deal with, that I feared to deal with, afraid that if I opened up the crap and it exploded outward into chaos, I would live in it, unable to put myself back together again…
I’ve started opening up those boxes and there’s no going back. It’s either live in the misery of disaster and rubble, or sit with Jesus in my room and take each thing, one-by-one, bit by bit, and see, where does this fit? It’s time to get rid of the things that have always weighed my heart down and crowded things out. It’s time to open up this space and let my suffocating spirit breathe. It’s time to invite Jesus into the disaster, cause I can’t clean this up on my own. He has to sort it out, clean it up. If I tried, I’d end up on my knees, on the floor, weeping in disrepair, never to stand. Oh, I know I’m often down there, but the difference is that He’s right there with me, with tearstained eyes, a hand that lifts up my face, arms that embrace me, eyes that see beyond the disaster – without disregarding it – to see beauty in the broken.
I’m down there, in desperate weeping amidst the chaos, calling out His name like a life-preserver, hearing faintly the sound of His breathing, so soothing, and the beat of His heart…I am with you. I love you.
Take deep breaths, in and out…in and out…Jesus, stay with my heart, stay beside me…
“God is enough.
God is enough.
He is good.
He will take care of us.
He will satisfy us.
He will get us through this…”
-John Piper-YouTube video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTc_FoELt8s&feature=related
Love is a Person
August 1, 2008
So, there I was, standing in an amphitheater of orange plastic seats and lots of people, when something broke in my heart. Something broke and I was bitter in the breaking.
As many of you know, I went to the Tenth Avenue North concert in Costa Mesa on the 23rd. And it was pretty awesome. So, what was it in that concert that brought me to that bitter moment? It was a single poignant statement, cutting, piercing into the depths of my heart. Before the band played their single “Love is Here,” the lead singer Mike started talking about the song. He said, “The point of this song is that you don’t need this song…You don’t need a CD to listen to in your car or a girlfriend or a Myspace message…You need Jesus.” The point of this song is that you don’t need this song…It was the final stabbing blow in God’s attack against some of my idols because God spoke deeper than these words, spoke to the things that I run to instead of to Him, the things that I run to for comfort – a song, a person (not that it’s bad to run to people; it’s just wrong when I run to them instead of Jesus), or whatever else – and He rejected them all in that moment. He shined His light on them and showed their brittleness and told me, once and for all, These cannot and will not satisfy…And I was not happy with that declaration. God had pulled out my props and the things that I cherish to cling to and I was not happy. And I knew…I was empty. I was not satisfied and couldn’t seem to find satisfaction anywhere. I looked with skepticism on God’s claim, I will satisfy. I, even I, have been a fool.
Perhaps you don’t know the song “Love is Here.” Perhaps you have no idea why Mike made that statement. Perhaps you don’t understand my reaction to it. But even if you do know the song, you may have missed the point of it, because I know that for months I had missed it by a mile. Even that night at the concert, I still didn’t fully get it. But I left there with a couple of comforting lines of a Snow Patrol song that Tenth Ave. ended with: “Even if you cannot hear My voice/ I’ll be right beside you, dear…” I went home with tears, with frustration, with anger, and with a heavy broken heart. But I also went home with a determination to know Jesus more.
To understand what I am about to say, you need to know the lyrics to “Love is Here”…
Come to the waters
you who thirst and you'll thirst no more
Come to the Father
you who work and you'll work no more
And all you who labor in vain
and to the broken and shamed
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
‘Cause love is here
Come to the treasure
you who search and you'll search no more
Come to the lover
you who want and you'll want no more
And all you who labor in vain
and to the broken and shamed
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
And to the bruised and fallen
Captives bound and broken hearted
He is the lord, He is the lord
By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation
He is the lord, He is the lord
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
‘Cause love is here
Love is here
I have been blessed, I have been encouraged, I have been comforted, I have been broken, and shattered by these words. But they have also been a source of great frustration for me. Because if love is here and love is now, if love isn’t something we’re waiting for but something we can have right now, then why have I still been unsatisfied, and have I not been filled up with or been experiencing this love? I have been very frustrated.
So where did I go wrong? What did I miss?
Sitting by a lake in the shady grass, it hit me - softly, but with so much force, the truth: Love is a person…Look again at those lyrics “Come to the waters…Come to the Father…Come to the treasure…Come to the Lover…” They’re talking about a person, they’re talking about God, they’re talking about Jesus. Love is a person, not just a feeling, not a substance, impersonal and disconnected, not just an experience, not just the warm-fuzzies or butterflies and holding hands. Love is a person because “God is love.” Let that verse sink in a minute: God…is…love…We’ve heard it before, but have we really listened to that and understood what that means?
I don’t know that we do. I do know that I have missed it. Time and time again have I missed it. And that failure to understand has had a profound impact on how I live. If love is just a feeling or an experience, then I will spend my life chasing the wind, looking for the next “fix.” If I spend my life chasing a feeling, then I will always fall short of gaining what I’m really after. And this is exactly what I have done. I have tried to find a love that would fill me and give me security. And all that that has done is to leave me empty, frustrated, and unsatisfied. But what if, this whole time, I’ve been going after the wrong thing?
If love is a person, if love is Jesus, then it’s not something that we have to strive to attain or somehow try to grasp. If love is a person, then Love comes after us. Love comes and rescues. Love is strong, Love is patient, Love is kind, Love is not self-seeking or boastful, Love endures, and He never fails. Love is here because He’ll never leave me or forsake me. “I will never divorce you,” He says…”I…will never…divorce you…”
Can you grasp the impact of that? The glorious, heart-breaking, healing magnitude of that? Never leave, never forsake…Love is a person who is right by your side, “Even if you cannot hear [His] voice,” just waiting for you to let Him in, to let go of all the empty things you’ve been running to, all your other lovers, to let Him love you. Love is near and He satisfies. Oh, let Him in.
If the love we’re chasing is only a feeling, only an experience, then it’s only a mirage, mimicking the true source of what would quench our thirst. We’ll travel across the blazing desert and find that we’re only drinking sand.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest”
“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water”
“Open your mouth wide and I will fill it…Oh that My people would listen to Me…I would satisfy you.”
“For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water…They have come to the cisterns and found no water…” Oh, are these two evils ours? Have we forsaken our God to find ‘satisfaction’ elsewhere, ‘satisfaction’ of our own making, ‘satisfaction’ that doesn’t satisfy? I know that I have. But I can also tell you this: I have come to the waters, come to the Father, come to the treasure, come to the Lover and I have found that when I come to Him, when I cry out for Him alone, when I let Him step into the dark and lonely places, He comes in and He satisfies. HE satisfies. It’s not just that He gives something that satisfies. He Himself is that which satisfies our very souls. Everything that He is, all His goodness, love, mercy, grace, power, might, glory, majesty, holiness, wisdom, faithfulness (I could go on and on), HE satisfies. He is the center of the universe. He is everything.
All who seek Him with all their hearts will find Him, though He is not far from us. All who call upon His name will be saved. All who eat His flesh and drink His blood will be satisfied. HE is the love that we long for, that I long for. It’s not just something He gives. It’s what He is. For all of us who want, He, a person, is the love that satisfies.
So, where are you? Are you hurting? Are you lonely? Let go. Please let go, dear one. I’m not perfect. I’m still learning this. I still hurt and long. But I know, if I don’t cry out to Him, I will destroy myself grasping for something I’ll never find. Come, Lord Jesus. Come. Be my home. Be my shelter. Be my answer and my salvation. Be my joy and my delight, my breaking and my healing. Jesus, be my Love, my security. Ishi, be my everything.
“Love is here. Everything we’re longing for, whether we would say it this way or not, is really Jesus. So that song is just a call to anyone everywhere that the thing you want is here. His name is Jesus.” –Tenth Avenue North
So, there I was, standing in an amphitheater of orange plastic seats and lots of people, when something broke in my heart. Something broke and I was bitter in the breaking.
As many of you know, I went to the Tenth Avenue North concert in Costa Mesa on the 23rd. And it was pretty awesome. So, what was it in that concert that brought me to that bitter moment? It was a single poignant statement, cutting, piercing into the depths of my heart. Before the band played their single “Love is Here,” the lead singer Mike started talking about the song. He said, “The point of this song is that you don’t need this song…You don’t need a CD to listen to in your car or a girlfriend or a Myspace message…You need Jesus.” The point of this song is that you don’t need this song…It was the final stabbing blow in God’s attack against some of my idols because God spoke deeper than these words, spoke to the things that I run to instead of to Him, the things that I run to for comfort – a song, a person (not that it’s bad to run to people; it’s just wrong when I run to them instead of Jesus), or whatever else – and He rejected them all in that moment. He shined His light on them and showed their brittleness and told me, once and for all, These cannot and will not satisfy…And I was not happy with that declaration. God had pulled out my props and the things that I cherish to cling to and I was not happy. And I knew…I was empty. I was not satisfied and couldn’t seem to find satisfaction anywhere. I looked with skepticism on God’s claim, I will satisfy. I, even I, have been a fool.
Perhaps you don’t know the song “Love is Here.” Perhaps you have no idea why Mike made that statement. Perhaps you don’t understand my reaction to it. But even if you do know the song, you may have missed the point of it, because I know that for months I had missed it by a mile. Even that night at the concert, I still didn’t fully get it. But I left there with a couple of comforting lines of a Snow Patrol song that Tenth Ave. ended with: “Even if you cannot hear My voice/ I’ll be right beside you, dear…” I went home with tears, with frustration, with anger, and with a heavy broken heart. But I also went home with a determination to know Jesus more.
To understand what I am about to say, you need to know the lyrics to “Love is Here”…
Come to the waters
you who thirst and you'll thirst no more
Come to the Father
you who work and you'll work no more
And all you who labor in vain
and to the broken and shamed
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
‘Cause love is here
Come to the treasure
you who search and you'll search no more
Come to the lover
you who want and you'll want no more
And all you who labor in vain
and to the broken and shamed
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
And to the bruised and fallen
Captives bound and broken hearted
He is the lord, He is the lord
By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation
He is the lord, He is the lord
Love is here
Love is now
Love is pouring from His hands
from His brow
Love is near, it satisfies
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
Streams of mercy flowing from His side
‘Cause love is here
Love is here
I have been blessed, I have been encouraged, I have been comforted, I have been broken, and shattered by these words. But they have also been a source of great frustration for me. Because if love is here and love is now, if love isn’t something we’re waiting for but something we can have right now, then why have I still been unsatisfied, and have I not been filled up with or been experiencing this love? I have been very frustrated.
So where did I go wrong? What did I miss?
Sitting by a lake in the shady grass, it hit me - softly, but with so much force, the truth: Love is a person…Look again at those lyrics “Come to the waters…Come to the Father…Come to the treasure…Come to the Lover…” They’re talking about a person, they’re talking about God, they’re talking about Jesus. Love is a person, not just a feeling, not a substance, impersonal and disconnected, not just an experience, not just the warm-fuzzies or butterflies and holding hands. Love is a person because “God is love.” Let that verse sink in a minute: God…is…love…We’ve heard it before, but have we really listened to that and understood what that means?
I don’t know that we do. I do know that I have missed it. Time and time again have I missed it. And that failure to understand has had a profound impact on how I live. If love is just a feeling or an experience, then I will spend my life chasing the wind, looking for the next “fix.” If I spend my life chasing a feeling, then I will always fall short of gaining what I’m really after. And this is exactly what I have done. I have tried to find a love that would fill me and give me security. And all that that has done is to leave me empty, frustrated, and unsatisfied. But what if, this whole time, I’ve been going after the wrong thing?
If love is a person, if love is Jesus, then it’s not something that we have to strive to attain or somehow try to grasp. If love is a person, then Love comes after us. Love comes and rescues. Love is strong, Love is patient, Love is kind, Love is not self-seeking or boastful, Love endures, and He never fails. Love is here because He’ll never leave me or forsake me. “I will never divorce you,” He says…”I…will never…divorce you…”
Can you grasp the impact of that? The glorious, heart-breaking, healing magnitude of that? Never leave, never forsake…Love is a person who is right by your side, “Even if you cannot hear [His] voice,” just waiting for you to let Him in, to let go of all the empty things you’ve been running to, all your other lovers, to let Him love you. Love is near and He satisfies. Oh, let Him in.
If the love we’re chasing is only a feeling, only an experience, then it’s only a mirage, mimicking the true source of what would quench our thirst. We’ll travel across the blazing desert and find that we’re only drinking sand.
“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest”
“If anyone is thirsty, let him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scripture said, ‘From his innermost being will flow rivers of living water”
“Open your mouth wide and I will fill it…Oh that My people would listen to Me…I would satisfy you.”
“For My people have committed two evils: they have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water…They have come to the cisterns and found no water…” Oh, are these two evils ours? Have we forsaken our God to find ‘satisfaction’ elsewhere, ‘satisfaction’ of our own making, ‘satisfaction’ that doesn’t satisfy? I know that I have. But I can also tell you this: I have come to the waters, come to the Father, come to the treasure, come to the Lover and I have found that when I come to Him, when I cry out for Him alone, when I let Him step into the dark and lonely places, He comes in and He satisfies. HE satisfies. It’s not just that He gives something that satisfies. He Himself is that which satisfies our very souls. Everything that He is, all His goodness, love, mercy, grace, power, might, glory, majesty, holiness, wisdom, faithfulness (I could go on and on), HE satisfies. He is the center of the universe. He is everything.
All who seek Him with all their hearts will find Him, though He is not far from us. All who call upon His name will be saved. All who eat His flesh and drink His blood will be satisfied. HE is the love that we long for, that I long for. It’s not just something He gives. It’s what He is. For all of us who want, He, a person, is the love that satisfies.
So, where are you? Are you hurting? Are you lonely? Let go. Please let go, dear one. I’m not perfect. I’m still learning this. I still hurt and long. But I know, if I don’t cry out to Him, I will destroy myself grasping for something I’ll never find. Come, Lord Jesus. Come. Be my home. Be my shelter. Be my answer and my salvation. Be my joy and my delight, my breaking and my healing. Jesus, be my Love, my security. Ishi, be my everything.
“Love is here. Everything we’re longing for, whether we would say it this way or not, is really Jesus. So that song is just a call to anyone everywhere that the thing you want is here. His name is Jesus.” –Tenth Avenue North
I'll look after you...
July 25, 2008
Hello, dear ones. So I wrote this thing just now, that is really from the depths of my heart. It's very personal and I was hesitant to post it, but then I thought of those who might benefit from my openness. So, here it is. I hope that those in need are encouraged.
Oh dear sweet Jesus, You have pursued my heart my entire life, softly calling, ever loving, strong in tenderness. When I have run away in fear, You have spoken words of love, words that call me back to Your heart and calm my fears. You ever invite me to see that You're full of love and care for me, to see that Your heart is so good. How I long to drink so deeply from Your heart. Fill me with You, Beloved of my soul. Take my hand as I turn away. Let Me lift up your face, You say. Let Me lift up your face. There is hurt that makes me just want to run, and a fear, an insecurity in this ever gaping wound, this gnawing place. Would You speak into this? Touch it, Lord. Heal it and make me clean. I don’t want to run away anymore. I want to be ever more in love with You - You, dear Lord. Sometimes I feel like a mess, just falling apart, falling to pieces. And I wonder if I’ll ever be whole, if I could ever be truly healthy, truly Yours utterly and completely, or if I’ll ever run and in my running never be satisfied because I haven’t turned fully to the only one who could ever satisfy the deepest longings of this lonely heart. But You are so strong. Your heart can take it. Patiently near. Steadfast and faithful. You’ll never leave, never let me go, never fail, never stop loving me with Your everlasting love. You are my life and You breathe life into my soul, into the deepest parts of me and every fiber of my being. Your love is long, Your love is wide, Your love is deep, Your love is so very very high. Beloved, meet me here, here in this dimness and here speak Your love to the scared small frail little girl who needs You. I need You, maybe even more than I know. Break me with tenderness. Shatter all the masks, the walls, the idols, and the lies that I cling to and hide behind. Find me here, in the reckless maze of all that I hate. Find me, what is true and what is real, not what I claim or think myself to be and not who every false voice has told me I am. Find me, Lord. And let me know You. All of me for all of You. It’s only when I am in Your arms that I am home. “For what do I have if I don’t have you, Jesus?” You are everything. Oh, You are everything. O Lord, I am oppressed, be my security, the refuge of this tired heart. Rescue me and answer me with Yourself.
And You answer, Lord, You respond to my heart! Why?
Because I love you, You say and in this moment I know that it's true.
My love, I'll look after you...
Hello, dear ones. So I wrote this thing just now, that is really from the depths of my heart. It's very personal and I was hesitant to post it, but then I thought of those who might benefit from my openness. So, here it is. I hope that those in need are encouraged.
Oh dear sweet Jesus, You have pursued my heart my entire life, softly calling, ever loving, strong in tenderness. When I have run away in fear, You have spoken words of love, words that call me back to Your heart and calm my fears. You ever invite me to see that You're full of love and care for me, to see that Your heart is so good. How I long to drink so deeply from Your heart. Fill me with You, Beloved of my soul. Take my hand as I turn away. Let Me lift up your face, You say. Let Me lift up your face. There is hurt that makes me just want to run, and a fear, an insecurity in this ever gaping wound, this gnawing place. Would You speak into this? Touch it, Lord. Heal it and make me clean. I don’t want to run away anymore. I want to be ever more in love with You - You, dear Lord. Sometimes I feel like a mess, just falling apart, falling to pieces. And I wonder if I’ll ever be whole, if I could ever be truly healthy, truly Yours utterly and completely, or if I’ll ever run and in my running never be satisfied because I haven’t turned fully to the only one who could ever satisfy the deepest longings of this lonely heart. But You are so strong. Your heart can take it. Patiently near. Steadfast and faithful. You’ll never leave, never let me go, never fail, never stop loving me with Your everlasting love. You are my life and You breathe life into my soul, into the deepest parts of me and every fiber of my being. Your love is long, Your love is wide, Your love is deep, Your love is so very very high. Beloved, meet me here, here in this dimness and here speak Your love to the scared small frail little girl who needs You. I need You, maybe even more than I know. Break me with tenderness. Shatter all the masks, the walls, the idols, and the lies that I cling to and hide behind. Find me here, in the reckless maze of all that I hate. Find me, what is true and what is real, not what I claim or think myself to be and not who every false voice has told me I am. Find me, Lord. And let me know You. All of me for all of You. It’s only when I am in Your arms that I am home. “For what do I have if I don’t have you, Jesus?” You are everything. Oh, You are everything. O Lord, I am oppressed, be my security, the refuge of this tired heart. Rescue me and answer me with Yourself.
And You answer, Lord, You respond to my heart! Why?
Because I love you, You say and in this moment I know that it's true.
My love, I'll look after you...
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