Why are you striving these days?

October 17, 2008

Staring at the dirt. Grasping desperately at anything. Terrified to slow down and stop, terrified to let go. But too tired to keep on running.

This is where I am and where I have been lately.

I went and saw Tenth Avenue North, Sanctus Real, and VOTA tonight. God’s remarkable, isn’t He? He never does anything the same way twice, seems like. I mean, He uses Tenth Avenue North always to point me to Him, to break me, convict me, love me, speak truth to my soul, and to pour grace out on me. He’s used them to change my life, for sure. This time, He used them to send me utterly to my knees—no, to floor, face down in the carpet, arms spread out wide, sobbing.

You see, I have been staring at the dirt. I have been staring at the things of this earth for so long, mere reflections of a God more beautiful than we can imagine. He’s been tearing down my walls, taking a wrecking ball to the hurtful things in my life. And in the midst of that, I have been grabbing things and shoving them into this gaping whole that He has exposed, desperate to fill the vacuum. I have been running, so scared to slow down and stop, to be still and let myself be…exposed, naked, unprotected by my desperate walls before Him. I’ve been terrified to cease striving and wait—not ‘do,’ but wait, in the stillness, in the silence for a God who may or may not choose to speak. I mean, He’s God. He speaks when He wants to. And in so doing, I have not allowed Him the space to love me, to show me Himself, to know Him. I’ve been running in terror of letting go, but I’ve been soooo tired and weary…because I was never meant to run like this. I was never meant to just merely survive in this life, in this world, I was never meant to carry this weight and this load all on my own. Running is killing me. I’ve been staring at the dirt for so long that I’ve become afraid to look to Heaven, afraid that who I see there won’t be as loving, as satisfying as the things I see. The habit has made me forget the love that I’ve known, deep, full, unending, faithful, and real. And since when have I ever been satisfied by anything but Jesus?? Never. Nothing here has ever been enough. Only Jesus.

I have been fighting, kicking, wrestling, running instead of facing Him when He has been telling me to come to Him, to let Him deal with all my stuff. But how can I run when His love has bound me to Him and He’s never letting go? Hallelujah for that. He’ll never let me go…There’s a bond between us that shall not be broken. I can only fight for so long. And then His love pulls me in…

I was hesitant, I was stubborn, I was resistant when I felt Him drawing me at the concert. But I knew it was time to hit the floor. I mean it was Tenth Avenue North. You have to stop your ears and super harden your heart to not hear the truth He speaks through them, to not feel His beckoning touch.

It started as soon as I got in the car to drive home—weeping, brokenness. There are so many things that I don’t understand, so many things that plague me, so much confusion and turmoil, but the one thing I really firmly knew to do tonight was to lay out on that carpet and call His name. The only way I know how to seek Him is on my knees or on my face, listening for Him, letting Him in. All that I want and need is Him. There was and there is no where else for me to go but that carpeted floor before Him. And I know He was there, there through the tears.

It’s time to stop shoving all this crap into that vacuum and leave it open for Him to fill, to step into. It’s time to stop running, cease striving, stop having to do something and to just be His beloved, His child, the one He died for. It’s time to just belong to Him and know Him and to let that be enough. It’s time to open up to Him and let Him be the one to love and to comfort, to protect and satisfy me.

On the practical side of things, in order for me to do this, I’ve got to cut way down on the Facebook action. I don’t know about you, but when I am running from Jesus, this is one place I tend to go. You may have noticed that I’ve been on here a whole lot lately. Well, that is one thing that’s changing now. You can hold me to that, though I don’t necessarily have a specific Facebook allowance in mind.

I love you guys and I hope that you are challenged to stop and see what you’re missing in all your strivings. Come, see the one thing you can’t earn by all your work. What you and I work for doesn’t satisfy us in the least. Come, rest in Jesus’ loving arms, and find that He satisfies you with Himself.